i really need to get back on track

i weigh around 122 pounds. i know that isn’t bad, like when i went to the city with michelle at the bodies exhibit i weighed 122.7 and i thought that was good. but now it seems too much. i’m pretty sure i’m EDNOS but i don’t want to self-diagnose. i also don’t want to tell anyone.

my thighs look gigantic. they jiggle. they don’t really rub together when i walk too much [actually i’m not sure if they do at all?] but i cannot bring myself to wear shorts like ever. i’m so self-conscious. how am i supposed to wear a bikini? i’m gonna gain so much weight at camp because i’m going to have to eat 3x a day….i’m freaking out

so the least i can do is get myself down to 119, maybe 120. that’s doable

all these BBQs are so not good. all the desserts i’ve been having don’t help either. i feel guilty about the rainbow cookies i consumed but i’m trying to tell myself: it’s memorial day, grandpa always used to bring them, it was meant to be

but now i have to stop with those, the ice cream, even the froyo. i’m going to let myself have froyo once a week, probably fridays because that’s the night i tend to eat less. on saturdays i’ll have fruit or a lemon ice because that’s not that bad

i’m going to let myself have a hotdog and shish kebab tonight because i’m not going to be eating at all till dinner. so a hotdog, chicken&pepper shish kebab, steak & pepper shish kebab, no burgers [not really feeling it anyway], a little coleslaw, maybe a bite of potato salad, 1/2 a margarita, and grilled vegetables [portobello, peppers, and corn on the cob]

none of that is too terrible, right? 

my stomach looks gigantic and i’m not sure if it’s just the panties i’m wearing, the fact that i’m gonna get my period any day now and am therefore bloated, a combo of the 2, or if i really am just fat

this is becoming way too much…………..

i gained 2 pounds and i want to die.

i’m getting that old gut and fat thighs and lethargic feeling and i cannot STOP EATING. it’s probably in part because my mother is never home to cook dinner anymore ever and that sucks. i can FEEL myself getting fat. i want to die.

i’m disgusting and i want to die

i love my major i really do, but it’s SO hard. and if it’s hard now, how will i get into grad school at my school? that’s really the only one i’d go to, maybe one of the nearby ones, but that’s the one i want to go to because it’d just be convenient. but what if i don’t get in? i’m doing decently in my classes but decently isn’t going to cut it..i have to do amazingly. i need a 3.5+ [i believe] in my major to get into the grad school. i know i shouldn’t be stressing about it, i’m only a sophomore, but i am. i need recommendation letters. i don’t even have a job. i need to get one, besides maybe that would combat the loneliness, but where? i never called michaels back and i’d be horrible at register so that dittos hallmarks, and i’m not old enough to work at those anyway. i know everyone says that registers do the math for you now but still.. i refuse to work at a stop&shop..i really need to get a job at like a daycare or the ELC or something like a paid internship but i can’t get one of those till i’m a junior probably i don’t know. i really should start looking though because only a camp job on my resume isn’t going to cut it to get into grad school.

anyway though here are all my psych grades thus far. well, from what i can remember because the website is maitenancing from 3-4 ofcourse.

general psych: B+ ?

developmental psych: B+ or B

psych stats: B+

neuropsych: A-

i’m pissed because general psych should’ve been an easy A but i was so sad and melancholy and lacked so much motivation in fall semester of freshman year to really buckle down until it was too late. i’m disappointed in myself because i KNOW i could’ve gotten an A. psych stats has math and it was way too hard so i’m proud of that grade. developmental i failed the midterm but i got an A on my first ever APA, in the field, with participants/journal articles/experiment/10pg paper and that was a miracle. took me 9 hours. it’s just a bummer because i really should’ve gotten an A- if i hadn’t failed the midterm, AND if i hadn’t failed most of the pop quizzes [which i will never understand why she gave]. and neuropsych i only got an A because the final was a take-home from the textbook test and he gave us every single test question before the tests so i feel like it was a fluke and shouldn’t count, NOT that anyone who sees that grade will know that but still.

as of right now here’s what i have:

adolescent: A+ or A [got a 51/50 on our only test and 23/25 on my reaction paper]

theories of personality: A [94 on test]

social psych: B [86 on only test but maybe a B+ since i participate]

cognitive psych: B [85 on only test but probably lower since i just looked at all the test results and so many people failed and i’m scared to death now]

criminal behavior: A+ [only because we haven’t taken any tests yet/i haven’t missed any classes/i did 1 of the homeworks out of 5 that are due by the end of the semester]

so here’s what i need to do..

i need to maintain my adolescent and theories of personality. i’m doing a 20 minute powerpoint on body dysmorphic disorder and i need to BEAST that and do really well on all the other tests. i’m relieved because the lowest test grade gets dropped so my goal is to get all in the 90s [hopefully i can] and if i get in the 80s once then at least that’ll be gone. i need to start participating in it more. i have to be really awesome on all my reaction papers. i need to get an A in this class because i want to be an adolescent psychologist.

theories of personality i have to continue to do well on the tests. he doesn’t take attendance so he doesn’t know any of our names which means HOPEFULLY we all get automatic participation which he mightve said but i don’t remember [i think he did though]. we have 2 more tests so i NEED to get 90s on them too. then our final paper i need to do a really great topic. i might do unrequited transference [when the patient falls in love with their therapist] but i don’t know if that’s a personality issue, i might have to check but it seems like one to me. if not i know i can do dream analysis because that’s freud and freud = personality theories but i feel like a lot of people are going to do that which runs the risk of them being compared and what if i do worse than the other person? i heard he’s a hard grader and he WRITES for a living like he’s a research psychologist so he isn’t fucking around so there’s a lot of pressure there.

social psych i NEEEEEED to to better on the tests, 86 isn’t going to cut it. i really love the professor but his tests are so hard with the A choice, B choice, C choice that says both a & b, D choice b & c, and E choice all of the above. i HATE tests like that except when the questions like those are periodic so you know it’s probably one of the C, D, E answers. i don’t even get to keep the test for that, nor do i get to look at them, he just tells you your grade and that drives me crazy because i don’t know if i fell for his trap or not. he also drops the lowest grade which is good so if i get 90s on the rest of them [hopefully i do] then i can do well. but my next few tests are on the same day as cognitive and once with cognitive AND criminal behavior so i just don’t know. i also cannot study with ashley again because even though it helped her it really screwed me up and didn’t help at all..i’ve never been good at group studying. there’s also a research paper for this and i need to submit my draft for it in less than a week and i have no clue what i’m doing. i need 20 participants but i think i can manage that..mom, dad, nana, chris, kelly, doug, steve[?], nick, ali [?], lori, theresa, michelle, rob, taylor, catie, ria [?], alexa, paula [?], and then 2 more maybe someone from mommy and daddys offices? luckily for the draft we don’t need all the people, just need a general idea of what we’re going to do and stuff so that’s good. i just am going to be so disappointed if i don’t get an A on this one since on developmental i did and that’s all i have to compare it to. i just really want him to like me because i want to take other classes with him if it’s at all possible.

cognitive psych is the one i’m most scared of. i only got an 85 on my last test and normally i’d be super happy with that..i’m happy but i know i need to do better and she does not drop the lowest grade and they’re only going to get harder. but i mean having a test with only 20 questions is really fucking scary because if you get just 3 wrong you’re already starting with only 17/20 and that’s an 85. that’s ridiculous. the final shouldn’t be bad because it’s comprised of all the questions we’ve gotten wrong most often and she tells us those but i’m terrified to get the test we just took back. i barely remembered any of it during the test and it’s all gone from my memory now [except for the stroop effect] and that’s so scary. the majority of the class got C’s and below and that’s awful and i’m so nervous i’m in there because chances are, i am. i cannot afford to do badly in this class and it sucks because not only is it to late to drop it but i CAN’T drop it because it’s required for me. the mini CAP assignments aren’t too bad but i don’t know whether or not she’s a hard grader..i sure hope not. then we have a long paper at the end of THIS class too, i have no idea what i’m doing i just know i need to do well on it especially if i’m fucking up on all the tests. this is without a doubt my least favorite class and it’s so scary and hard. i CANNOT finish lower than a B [so that includes B-, B, B+] so hopefully i can do it i just don’t know. tomorrow getting that test back is going to be so awful…..

criminal behavior is not as fun as i thought it would be and that makes me really sad. we’re really just learning about street crimes and i didn’t sign up for that..i signed up for serial killers and i know we were supposed to watch a movie on them and it’s the library’s fault for losing it but still now i feel like the only part i was looking forward to is gone. she said you have to TRY to fail this class but i don’t know. the tests are comprised of like 7 chapters each and that’s rough, PLUS movie facts and i don’t remember any of the movies other than the warrior gene and maria full of grace…… we saw one of bloods and crips and on schizophrenic criminals which i sort of remember but not 100%. the homeworks are really good though, you just define 3 vocab words and do 2 review questions and you pick the ones you wanna do and what chapters, so long as you have 5 chapters done by the end of the semester. i just did chapter 4, and i’m gonna try to do 5-8 so i can get that all done with because the semester ends on may 17th and we do a chapter a week, so that would bring me to not being done with the homeworks till roughly the end of march. i guess that isn’t too bad and i could skip one of the less interesting ones in between but still. ria [who’s in the monday class] said on twitter that the test was a piece of cake but i don’t know what kind of test taker she is..hopefully it really isn’t too bad but i don’t know. i’m just thrilled there aren’t any papers except for the extra credit one, which is to profile a famous serial killer and alexa and i could totally do that for fun, plus it only has to be like 3 pages so that’s not even really a paper at all, more like an essay.

so ideally here’s what i would love to happen:

adolescent: A/A+

theories of personality: A [reachable, but A- is probablyhopefully more likely]

social: A [hopefully it isn’t too late for that]

cognitive: ideally A, but i’d take a B-, B, B+ for sure

criminal behavior: A/A+

i want this so so so badly and i’m disappointed in the social/cognitive test grades. i know i shouldn’t be, those are solid grades, but i REALLY wanna get into the grad school and impress them. i guess this means i really do want to be a psychologist if this is how badly i want it because otherwise i’d just be like eh whatever but i REALLY want to do that with my life. i’m so pissed by how much i fucked up in fall freshman semester..2.9 GPAs are NOT me. luckily spring i did a little better, 3.2 and if i had gotten just ONE A i totally could’ve gotten a 3.5. last semester i got 3.5 which means i made deans list which was fantastic and that’s my goal this semester too because 2 consistent deans lists definitely means good things. but i can never get lower than a 3.0 again because i have to keep my scholarship, they only let me slide with the 2.9 cuz it was my first semester there and they understand the pressure/acclamating/etc. still though i was disgusted by myself, that isn’t me. i made honor roll EVERY trimester in high school, that means 12 times and that’s why i got into [almost] every school with scholarships, minus fordham who wait-listed me i believe, i don’t remember what the ultimate response was. but fairfield, mount saint vincent, adelphi, hofstra, suny new paltz, cw post [twice lolz], quinnipiac, sacred heart, and marist i got into all. some of those are really easy to get into, but fairfield and quinnipiac are not at all so i was really happy. i’m glad i went where i went ultimately, but if i don’t get into the grad school i’ll be crushed.

i’m also worried because on monday i can start open planning my schedule for next semester and i find out my registration day. last semester i didn’t get to go with the rest of the sophomores because once again freshman fall semester with its 14 credits screwed me over. i went with the freshmen in the earliest timeslot and i missed out on a few great classes because of it. hopefully that doesn’t happen again this upcoming registration because i NEED to take psychoanalysis and i DO NOT want to take it at 8 in the morning on fridays so i have 2 classes i have a shot of getting into. at the same time i have competition because a lot of sophomores didn’t take it last semester and my school screwed us over because it’s only offered in the fall. i should’ve attempted to take it last semester but then i wouldn’t have finished my GenEds, gotten that A- in neuropsych, or been behind in my psych stats requirement so i guess everything happens for a reason but still.. i mean i guess i COULD take it as a senior but that puts me TWO YEARS behind and i do not want that at all. i also finished all my GenEds so what am i supposed to do with myself? i have to take all psych again because i don’t wanna waste the money on a GenEd only to do poorly on it and bring my whole GPA down. although maybe if it’s like yoga or something i can get an automatic A.. but that’s only worth 2 credits so i don’t know.. it’s unfair because right now i have 60 credits which makes me a junior technically [sophomores usually have up to 59] but 60-16=44 because they don’t do up to and including so i think i’m with the freshmen again and i want to scream because i NEED to get these classes and i don’t think i’m going to and that really fucking sucks. or maybe not actually because i just checked and last semester i only had 29, and freshmen were 1-29.5. sophomores were 30-59.5 so if they do it that way again then i definitely can be with my grade so hopefully they keep it like that oh my lord.

ideally, next semester here’s what i wanna take so far, i’m looking through now

psychoanalysis [pleasepleaseplease be the class(es) i want]

psychology of loving and enduring relationships

psychopathology [depending on the prof/if they’re even offering it]

intro to forensic psych [maybe, the night one]

motivation and emotion [maybe]

psychology of women [maybe but i haven’t heard good things about that prof]

behavior disorders in childhood [maybe]

if i get for example psychoanalysis, loving&enduring relationships, forensic, psychopathology, and psychology of women then i’d have 3 x 5 = 15 credits. i wish it could be 16 but maybe i’d take an extra class to make it 18, then i can see if i can do it and if i can’t i’d drop the hardest one? i don’t know all i know is i NEED to get psychoanalysis and i’m NOT telling the people i know which one(s) i’m going for because then they’re going to try to take it and that shit won’t fly. i think i should be good because both the professors suck but the times are convenient and i wanna try to get fridays off again if at all possible. so here’s it revised.

psychoanalysis -> TR either 925-1040 OR 1050-1205

loving&enduring -> isn’t up oh my god please be added but this semester it was TR 1215-130

psychopathology -> isn’t up but this semester it was TR 1050-1205 [?] or 1215-130

intro to forensic psych -> the one i want M 6-830

motivation and emotion -> W 230-5

psych of women -> TR 1215-130

behavior disorders in childhood -> TR 6-740 but i don’t think i could handle 4 late nights…i can barely do 2 this semester

so it would probably be [hopefully] psychoanalysis, intro to forensic, motivation and emotion, psych of women, and some other one that i’m going to have to try to fit in….this sucks…

now i’m extra worried. great.

so today i brought up to nick how uncomfortable it makes me that i keep having bad dreams in which he’s sneaking around/lying/etc. i don’t even know why i bothered. i mentioned how it’s odd to me that as soon as i had his facebook password he changed it, how he never lets me see his phone, and whatever else. he said he was sorry for being a bad boyfriend, to which i said it didn’t make a difference cuz he still wasn’t going to let me. and you know what he said? “i like my privacy.” on facebook you only get privacy through PRIVATE messages. and then he said, “danielle if you don’t trust me then we shouldn’t be together.” just like that. that hurts. so clearly he couldn’t care less if we were to break up. and i wonder why i’m wasting my time when he clearly does not care, why i’ve wasted 3 & 1/2 years of my life and am continuing to. but i know why. i don’t think i love him anymore..i just don’t want to be alone. i don’t want to be sitting by myself on a friday or saturday night, don’t want to be alone all the time. although i may as well be because he only ever wants to see me on tuesdays/fridays/saturdays. fucking asshole. i want to be with someone who doesn’t start a fight with me when my dog dies. that’s unforgivable. who comes over when my cat dies which he did not. who doesn’t lie or sneak around or [potentially] cheat because now little things that happened in the past that weren’t a big deal then suddenly are extra suspicious. he’s a dick. i cannot marry him. he doesn’t even know what he wants in life, he totally wouldn’t encourage his kids to do well in school…he’s an asshole, plain and simple, and i don’t know why i cannot bring myself to end it. but at the same time i just can’t be alone. i know i basically am, he never wants to see me and always goes home early, but at least sometimes i’m not and at least there’s someone consistently talking to me. but i DON’T trust him and i never will, not after everything he’s done. and i want to say, “well unless things change..” but i know they won’t. i don’t mean enough. what bothers me is that he says he loves me, but you don’t treat the person you love like this. you just don’t. he loves the idea of me because i don’t do anything wrong, but he doesn’t love me. and i don’t love him either anymore. how could i when he’s always doing these things to me? i’m pissed, hurt, disgusted all at once. so i’ll use him for sexual gratification or whatever else and then i have to move on. i cannot keep doing this because i have bad dreams constantly about it, he doesn’t care, and i don’t deserve this. but there’s no one else, and if we break up that’s what i’m scared of, never finding anyone else. but i hate that he pretends to love me when he obviously doesn’t. i feel like i’ll never be good enough for anyone, just me, and that makes me so upset.

i can’t sleep. i’m worried about lola’s trip to the vet tomorrow. she didn’t eat or go out this past day [but if she didn’t eat, why would she go out?], her ribs are sticking out, she limps, she’s been yelping the past few days every so often, she just looks so SAD..i know she’s old, almost 12, and that boxers typically don’t live past 10 but i really hope to god she doesn’t have to be put to sleep. or that if she DOES have to be, it isn’t tomorrow or anytime extremely soon. my biggest hope is that we can let it be natural, and that they’ll give us painkillers in the meantime for her. at the same time, none of us want to come home one day and find her lifeless but it’s too sudden if she gets put to sleep tomorrow. well, today.

i grew up with her. i was 8 years old. i remember exactly when we saw her for the first time, and the time we brought her home. i remember her laser eye surgery, her spaying, and her ear surgery. i remember how it was nana and uncle ralphie’s fault she displaced her hip because they tied her leash around my swingset..how fucking stupid. i remember all the carrides she’s taken. i remember waking up with her in my bed every morning, and how now she cannot even climb up the stairs herself.

she’s not like she used to be and that is so so so sad. but at the same time i cannot let her go. maybe it’s selfish of me but i just can’t. i’ll be heartbroken if it’s tomorrow, i can’t do it. i don’t want to live a life where i’m home totally and completely alone. at least when i come home to an empty house or am home late at night or watching scary tv shows alone, she’s still here so i’m not REALLY alone. i just love her so much. and every single time mommy and daddy fight and get crazy and the cops come, she’s always here with me. literally, with me. every time i get screamed at she comforts me. every time i am crying to the point of shaking, she’s here worrying too.

i don’t want her to go, especially not now. it’s too soon. and if she goes tomorrow [today] it’ll be exactly 6 months to the day that salem died. that is just cruel and unusual.

i know if we drag it out it’ll be even harder to say goodbye, at least that’s what people say. i don’t know if i believe that, though. salem’s death was so sudden it knocked me off my feet. boo’s death, while not sudden was still not expected since we thought all the cancer was gone. i cannot do either of those again, and if it’s the 25th [tomorrow, today] that’s exactly what it’ll be like.

i know she’s tired. i feel selfish but i just love her too much for it to end this way.

so please god, i’m begging you..st francis, i’m praying to you..please please please just not this day. please.